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#39 - Challenging My Deepest Fears

Updated: Jan 11

By KC Johnson

Not long ago while getting ready to go to sleep I had some deeply disturbing thoughts about my death. With heart-pounding intensity I began thinking about dying, about how I would die, and how soon. I’ve only confronted these discomforting thoughts a few times before and would start engaging my mind in ways to distract myself from going any further or dwelling on these questions. But this time was different because I was able to discuss this with my aware self-soul partners, and to my surprise, answers came to me loud and clear.

Prior to this point in time I was not able to understand the forces behind my micro-voices and had not realized the connections I have with my soul. But in the past couple of years, I have gained much clarity as to my place in this lifetime and the tasks I’m here to perform. But the intensity of my death thoughts, still linger in my mind, indicating that I have work to do to resolve the fears associated with my ultimate life challenge.

I was able to get some answers that eased my disquieted mind by asking specific questions and waiting for the ethereally distant answers. Since I have made peace with my many micro-voices I am no longer nagged with judgments and constantly cascading fears interfering with my thoughts. This allows me to hear that tiny voice giving me short and clear answers. And it is important for me to not re-ask and doubt what is given to me. Trusting the communications from my soul through my aware self is all important.

I did flash back to my childhood when the scrawny me would be trapped under the bed covers by my much bigger sister in a game of torture-the-little-brother. I would kick and scream and beg to be let out permanently scarring me from anything claustrophobic or that suffocated me. Needless to say, that has always been my greatest fear. So, I asked my soul how I would die, would it be by suffocation? The answer was no. Then I asked if I would die before completing this dream I’ve had for at least ten years of starting this blogging community. Again, the answer was no.

I began thinking about why I’m so focused on my death from suffocation and was it really stemming from my sister having fun with me. My sense now is that this may be an example of a past life experience bleeding through into this life, whether it was how I died then, or that I caused the death of another person, and now I get to deal with those thoughts in this lifetime. These death-thoughts may even pre-date my inner little boy development of his fears. I just don’t know at this point.

These are unsettling thoughts for most of us to contemplate, so I’m not asking anyone to contribute their own experiences if they find this difficult to do.But let’s have a discussion about how we face our deaths, and perhaps we can help each other develop perspectives that allow us to gain greater peace.Remember to be gentle with each other and to give loving support.Just letting someone tell their story can be healing.We don’t have go into commentary and analysis about their thoughts and experiences.If that person asks for feedback, then do so from a point of compassion and non-judgment. - kc

About US

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This blog has been a work of love developed over the past ten years and finally brought to life through the dedicated tech help by Soren, who was originally my physical therapist and now is a time-limited partner who managers two other martial arts training centers. Being an old gay guy I struggle to function well in the blog-a-sphere so this presentation will be a bit rough at first. Feel free to lend your ideas.


Since my teen years I have believed that through appropriate touch we can heal ourselves. But the journey to better understand my own dynamics and gain enough awareness to be able to write about our complex humanness only coalesced after I had an opportunity to be in prison. There I had time to do deep self-examinations about why I was who I am and how I could translate that into helping others make discoveries for themselves. I do not claim to be a professional therapist or counselor.


But I do believe there are others in this world who might benefit from these ideas presented in this blog platform. Having grown to the point of releasing nearly all of my fears and can now truly say that I love every moment and feel in partnership with my soul, I feel that others may benefit from my travels. Being non-judgmental I welcome your insights, whatever they may be, and I will strive to help everyone find greater peace in their lives. and Hoshow, LLC.


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